Wednesday, May 9, 2007

I'm a fighter, I'm a poet, I'm a preacher...

I'm really tempted to get tickets for this year's Projekt Revolution tour. Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance and Taking Back Sunday are probably my three favourite bands to come out this decade (plus seeing TBS at Jones Beach would be cool). The rub is that I think my rock concerts days are behind me. I usually wind up feeling like a narc or a chaperone.

Sometimes, people can unintentionally say the funniest things. So sayeth my friend this afternoon: "I just saw a picture of myself. God, I'm a fat bastard. Anyway, I'm getting ready to order at Cheesecake Factory. Talk to you later."

I have a friend who will fill me in on what everyone is talking aboot on the talk radio, and apparently everyone (at least on the right side of the dial) has realized that John McCain and Fred Thompson are essentially the same person (a conclusion we on PCLIVE! came to a few weeks ago). The only difference is that Thompson speaks with a southern accent. That must be why everyone thinks he's the most qualified.

I don't need no license to sign on no line, and I don't need no preacher to tell me you're mine. I don't need no diamonds. I don't need no new bride. I just need you, baby to look me in the eye. I know they have a hand time and your Daddy don't approve but I don't need your daddy telling us what we should do. Now there are a million questions I could ask about our lives, but I only need one answer to get me through the night. So baby, can you tell me just where we fit in? I call it love. They call it living in sin.

We think Lady had the kittens today, and we're all worried aboot her because she didn't want breakfast this morning and wasn't here for dinner tonight. Yes, my family is all worried aboot the stray cat t he we named. What? Like your family is that much cooler.

While I maintain my comparison of watching wrestling to being married, if they move Edge to Smackdown and give him the lengthy title run they were going to give the Undertaker before he went and tore his bicep, that could be cool.

I have a friend who thinks "Real Time with Bill Maher" would be a great show if Bill Maher wasn't on it. I watched a little bit of last weeks show, and I think it would be a great show if they didn't book celebrities on the panel. I think a politically themed talk show where the guests can loosen up a little is a great idea...if the guests come correct with something intelligent to say. When [random unfunny comedian] has nothing to say except "Bush sucks" and then waits for applause, don't waste my time.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

All I know is never bet on the white guy...

When it's early in the morning, and you're at 7-11 getting your coffee and are debating over whether or not to get a snack, it helps having someone standing next to you who is 400 pounds with a gallon of soda and three donuts. I stuck with just the coffee.

I was flipping channels the other day and they were showing some movie premier. I watched for a few minutes, and came to the decision that I really don't care aboot the red carpet. I also don't care aboot the velvet rope, and if you do your life sucks.

All joking aside, I'm curious aboot the GOP debate on Fox News next week. Apparently it's only going to have the big three candidates - McCain, Giuliani, and Romney - who are also the big three candidates that the ideologues (i.e. Fox News's core audience) don't care for all that much. I wonder how many questions the moderator is going to work the words "Fred" and "Thompson" into.

At this rate, I'll be heading for electric chairs. I'm only human with my cross to bear. When she described her underwear, I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old schul. You're too young to be this empty girl. I'll prepare you for a sick dark world. Know that you'll be my downfall, but I call, and I call, and I call...

People seem surprised that Spiderman 3 broke every opening weekend record when the movie was terrible. I'm not. It doesn't matter how bad the movie is, people were still going to see it just because it was opening weekend and the thing to do. It's like being a battered wife. You know it's going to hurt, yet we can't stop ourselves from going back (like we will and Spiderman 4 comes out in a few years).

Where have you gone Charles McCord? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Just to revisit the "Who's the Hotter Jessica - Biel or Alba," I wasn't implying that one wasn't attractive or I'm some how denying Jessica Alba because I think Jessica Biel is hotter. It's like choosing the hotter Rachael - McAdams or Leigh-Cooke. You wouldn't kick either one of them out of bed, butt you can still have your favourites (which in my case is one I didn't mention).

Sunday, May 6, 2007

I hurt myself today, to remind me I still feel...

I went to go see EmoSpiderman 3 (which sucked) and like most times my associates and I go to the movies, we notice how girls never looked that hot when we were that age. That doesn't bother me as much as the fact that they all look that hot, are really into music, and all seem to be hanging out with guys who look like I did when I was that age (long hair, overweight, band t-shirt, etc.). And that's just not fair, because girls who looked like that didn't hang out with guys who looked like I did, and I know this as a fact because I am a guy who looked like I did.

A friend of mine is launching an Internet magazine in the summer, but is considering a move back home to get a job that actually pays money. I told her to go for it because working in an office, if nothing else, gives you plenty of time to write and do your blogging.

With the ever changing weather that will be mad hot one day and mad not the next, it begs to question when you start wearing spring/summer clothes when you don't know what the weather is going to be. My rule is that once I start wearing shorts, I don't stop until October. If it gets to be too cold, I suck it up and take it like a man.

"Well I'm a thoroughbred." That's what she said in the back of my truck bed as I was getting buzzed on suds out on some back country road. We were flying high, fine as wine, having ourselves a big and rich time and I was going just about as far as she'd let me go. But her evaluation of my cowboy reputation had me beggin' for salvation all night long. So I took her out gigging frogs, introduced to my old bird dog and sang her every Willie Nelson song I could think of...

Apparently France elected a new President who said that America, "can count on France as a friend." The jokes really do just write themselves.

Just so you know, I'll still buy you a wiener dog if you ever.....^_^

Our 5/6 show was the funnest one we've done in a while, but don't take our word for it, listen to highlights on our Myspace Page, or listen to the entire show on Blog Talk Radio. We're still working on next week. If you have any ideas on what we should talk aboot, let us know.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Just cause I was really, really bored today...

I don't know why this popped into my head today, but I used to go to Catholic school and they would announce prayers over the loud speaker during homeroom. One morning they said, "We pray for everyone's friend...Sebastian Bach," and there was much laughter. Apparently Sister Mary Somethingorother didn't realize he was the lead singer for Skid Row.

The string of opening night movies in the next few weeks is insane, with "Spider Man 3," "28 Weeks Later," "Pirates of the Caribbean 3," "Fantastic Four 2,' and "the Transformers," though that last one may not be an opening night one. It's comes out on the Fourth of July, and I might opt to drink beer and blow stuff up instead.

After the debate Thursday night, I turned on Hannity and Colmes, because they had Newt Gingrich on and I figured the former speaker of the house would have a better insight then the debate spin room. Hannity wanted to make an issue out of John McCain saying that there were mistakes made in the war, which a) no shit and b) is something McCain's been saying for years, but I think the implication the host was making was that McCain's comments were "demoralizing our troops." So Hannity asked Newt to comment, at which point the former speaker strongly defended John McCain (almost in an "I want to be your V.P." way), agreed that mistakes were made, and even had a kind word for Joe Biden (which is a "D" if you didn't know). I sware, Sean Hannity looked like he wanted to cry.

I'm no angel. I'm no stranger to the dark. Let me rock your cradle. Let me start a fire with your spark. Oh, come on baby. Come and let me show you my tattoo. Let me drive you crazy. Come on and love me, baby. So, you don't give a darn about me? I never treat you bad. I won't ever lift a hand to hurt you and I'll always leave you glad. So, I might steal your diamonds, but I'll bring you back some gold.

I'm catching up on my Ultimate Fighter 2, and it's amusing to see all the people talking out their ass about how great they are, yet haven't backed it up in the Octagon. Some never ever got a contract at all. My personal favourite was Marvin Gulliard, on the first episode, saying "Dawg, do you know who the fuck I am?" Yeah, you're the guy who just tapped out to Joe Stevenson in fifteen seconds, which granted is fourteen seconds longer than I would have lasted, but still.

I may have to return my copy of "God's Other Son" after saying this, but Tucker Carlson Live (show #4 they've tried out weekday mornings on MSNBC) is actually pretty funny. As a side note, yes, I LOOOOOOOOOOVE it that Imus is suing CBS Radio.


A Very Pantsless FRIDAY FIVE...

Five songs I quoted this week
1. Head on Collision - New Found Glory
2. Sell a Lot of Beer - The Warren Brothers
3. The Road - Jackson Browne
4. Just a Man - Jon Nicholson
5. Light a Fire - WWE Theme Songs

Four must have summer accessories
1. iPod
2. cheap, yet badass, sunglasses
3. flip flops (socks suck)
4. beer out of a can

Three favourite whiskey's
1. Crown Royal
2. Jack Daniels
3. Jamesons

Two things to look foward to this weekend
1. Spider Man 3
2. Pagan bellydancing

One favourite quote of the week
1. "Being married is like being repeatedly punched in the face. Eventually you just go numb."

Your lyric of the week...

Could I...should I apologize for sleeping on the couch that night? Or for staying out too late with all of my friends? You found me passed out in the yard again. You cried. I tried to stretch the truth, but didn't lie. It's not so bad when you think about it.

A video of the greatest country song ever...

And this, from five years and fourty pounds ago...

Thursday, May 3, 2007

You moms wears combat boots...

The coolest thing aboot wearing sunglasses is the look that you are constantly recovering from the night before, especially if you go with a little stubble. Yes, this is what I'm thinking aboot when I should be working.

Guys don't agree on much. We'll argue for hours upon hours on some of the vital issues of the day like who's the best Quarterback, which is the best beer, and who is the hotter Jessica - Biel or Alba? But if there's one thing we can all come together on, it's a mutual admiration of the Three Stooges. They're like our Oprah.

Tonight the GOP has their turn to hold a joint press conference, and I'm actually looking forward to it. McCain and Rudy facing off should be interesting. I'd like to see Mike Huckabee play the "Bill Richardson role" where he answers any questions he feels like since, unfortunately, this is one of his only chances to be on television. But most importantly, I love the fact that the entire thing was Nancy Reagan's idea. FOX News was supposed to have the first "official" debate next week, but the former first lady decided to open the doors to the Ronald Reagan Library and say, "if you want to lay claim to my husband's legacy, come bring it!" I'm sure she'd word it much more eloquently, but you know that's what she's thinking.

I've got a perfect plan to have you in my arms today. You are so well endowed, and there's no price I won't pay. This dream is eating me alive. Can't you see I'm burning up inside? I pray I will not be denied. You better hold on tight. I'm gonna love you nice. I'm gonna do it right. Let me light a fire in you tonight.

Admittedly, I don't know much about boxing. I prefer combat sports to be...what's the word I'm looking for...oh, I prefer them to be entertaining. But if there's one thing I've learned about boxing as of late, it's that I really don't like Floyd Meriwether Jr. One reason is because he's been talking too much of the smack lately aboot the UFC, but it's mainly because I hate people who feel the need to act everytime they know there's a camera around. I get it - you're the greatest, you have more money than me - what do you want, a cookie?

Speaking of combat sports, or "combat" sports, wrestling is starting to get slightly more enjoyable. CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke is promising, and I like what they're doing with Mr. Kennedy. Unfortunately, the WWE is a lot like marriage. You may be enjoying something now, but you know it's only a matter of time before she takes all the fun away, so what's the point? Psst...the "she" in this analogy is Stephanie McMahon (head of the "creative" team).

I'm fascinated by polls, like where x percent of people feel a certain way aboot a certain issue. Here's why, and let's take the war as an example. Pollsters will ask a question like, "what do you think aboot the war?" What I wonder is how would the result look if they ask a second question, "would you have even thought about the war today if I didn't just ask you aboot it?"

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

So obviously desperate, so desperately obvious...

"News cycles often are not a reflection of fact. Instead, they are merely a reflection of emotion and popular opinion."- The Motley Fool

I get up at an ungodly hour in the morning to go to the gym, and while I have the TV on I'll still catch some of the infomercials for "Girls Gone Wild." After years of watching these commercials with black bars over all the fun parts, I downloaded on to see what all of the ballyhoo was aboot. As far as I can tell it's nothing but a bunch of drunk girls, marginally attractive at best, licking on each other and touching themselves. And while there's nothing wrong with that (and dare I say, it should be encouraged), it's hardly worth $19.95.

The only thing worse than walking up the stairs behind someone with a big old cottage cheese ass, is walking up the stairs behind someone with a big old cottage cheese ass who themselves is walking up the stairs behind someone with a big old cottage cheese ass. It's just too much cottage cheese and too much ass for one man to handle.

I'm all for calling public figures on hypocrisy when it comes to saving the Earth and global warming (along the "do as I say, not as I do" tip), but let's keep some perspective. There's a world of difference between G.Q. Smoothe or MC $tereoType using private airplanes for frivolous uses...and a PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN needing one to transport a staff of hundreds. All the douchebag radio shows are criticizing the Dem candidates because they didn't carpool to the debate. Imagine what they would be saying if Hillary Clinton missed it altogether because Jet Blue cancelled all flights out of JFK? And if even if it was "frivolous," that's not an excuse to leave all the lights on in the house or ask them to double bag your laundry detergent when it has a handle on it.

The ladies come to see you if your name still rings a bell. They give you damn near nothin' and they'll say they knew you well. So you tell 'em you'll remember, but they know it's just a game. And along the way their faces all begin to look the same. And when you stop to let 'em know you got it down, it's just another town along the road.

I had mentioned how surprising some of the songs on your iPod can be, and while I was comfortable with the on Ryan Cabrera song, apparently a few Hawthorne Heights songs stuck their way on it too. There's no excuse for that one. I'm sorry.

I've been peaking to see what MSNBC's been airing for a morning show. Last week, they slowly tried to turn what they were showing into the show they had cancelled a few weeks ago. I only caught five minutes of it yesterday (different host from last week), but in those five minutes I saw a person portraying a hurtful and negative stereotype of Italian-Americans (including using the word "gay" a few times, thus making it a homophobic diatribe as well). Then they reported on a story aboot a man who had sex with a hedgehog. Like I said, I only watched for five minutes. But when the NBC employees recently were all oh so proud of the journalistic integrity of the news division (as reported on NBC), I wonder if this was what they were talking aboot.

There's a big difference between talking to yourself and thinking out loud.

Monday, April 30, 2007

I'm just another lush who has had one too many...

My favourite thing aboot the spring and summer months is the BBQ. There is nothing more relaxing than being in someone's backyard, with a pile of meat on the grill, a ton of alcoholic beverages, and your nearest and dearest shooting the shit. Even when they aren't near or dear, strangers are always good for a few yucks as well. A friend of mine took bratwurst, let them soak in beer for a day, and then threw them on the grill with a few onions and some butter. They were delightful.

When I had kibitzed aboot the Sunday morning show last week, Meet the Press being a must watch goes without saying. One of the Presidential candidates was on yesterday and it's amazing how much more you can learn aboot them, where they stand, and what they think when they are talking for sixty minutes instead of sixty seconds. Some issues require a degree of nuance that you can't get in a sound byte. Plus, Tim Russert is the best interview on television. Hopefully he doesn't say anything to piss off Rev. Sharpton that will get him fired.

The funniest line of the week so far: "We need to send her brother whey protein. Apparently they don't have GNC's in Baghdad.

I wake up every Sunday morning so I can go to church and pray, but after some of my Saturday nights things just don't turn out that way. I think even the Good Lord; He understands that I'm at that point in my career. I don't sell a lot of records, but they sure sell a lot of beer. Hey, hey, what's your favorite song? Hey, hey, everybody sing along. We're just one big redneck family, at least while we're in here. I don't sell a lot of records but I sure sell a lot of beer.

My hair is just long enough to where I can enjoy having the wind blow through it, but not so long that it's blowing in my face. I like to drive fast down a stretch of open road, with the radio and the wind loud enough that I can't hear myself singing, so I can't hear how bad I am. I was belting out Toby Keith yesterday, and it was good.

Speaking of BBQing, nothing beats the smell of burgers grilling over charcoal.

Eighteen percent approval rating? I'll give you eighteen percent of my foot in your ass.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

I've been meaning to tell you...

Why can't I believe in equality for women, yet still think that Hillary Clinton couldn't be anymore transparent if she were invisible? I watched the debates this week and when she bought up her and "Bill" going to Columbine you could almost hear her saying to herself, "Dramatic pause, try and look upset." If you want to call me biased, that's fine. I know when I appear on the Sunday morning shows, it won't be with a (D) next to my name. But at least with Barrack Obama or John Edwards I get the sense that they have a vision for America. With Hillary Clinton, I think she just wants to be President.

Now that I've discovered the wonderful world of bit torrents, I've been catching up on my "UFC All Access," which is the show hosted by the oh so purty Rachelle Leah that focuses on different UFC fighters and how they train. Rich Franklin gets the award for most insane weight training routine. He goes non stop (you usually rest for a minute or two between exercises), and after and hour has done 1,500 reps. In comparison, I just got back from the gym, working out for a little over and hour and I only do aboot 450-500 reps. That's why he's the "Ace" and I'm just a blogger.

If there's one thing I miss aboot working in the mall, it's that first day in Spring where the weather is just warm enough for all the girls to decide it's time to take out the clothes that shows off the goods. It's like they have a hotline that tells them "Ok girls, it's sunny out. It's time for everyone to start showing off the goods." And oy vey, do they show off the goods! They hit the malls and the beaches in the shorty shorts and the tops that make you say, "huh huh...boobs." God bless America.

I'm still waiting for a good day. I think I've held this long enough. I think it's safe to tell you some things. It's not just what you say to people and it's not the way you look at me. It's the way you present yourself for all your worst critics to see. And it feels like I'm at an all-time low, slightly bruised and broken from our head on collision.

One good thing to come out of the debates was that more people are talking aboot Joe Biden. Now he just needs to overtake Edwards as the number 3 person...and pray to God that Al Gore doesn't decide to run.

Don't forget to mark your calendars: NO PANTS DAY is this Friday.

The quote of the week goes to Mamba Magazine who, in a blog post aboot ho's (don't panic, they're allowed), said "[Russell Simmons] claims that rappers talk about women this way as a reflection of poverty but lets not pretend that overpriced Phat Farm hoodies helps eliminate poverty and materialism in the world." You should make Mamba Magazine your friend.